When you feel overwhelmed with meetings and you’ve got the case of zoom fatigue, you may be tempted to dismiss the 1:1 meetings with your teams. I’d like to make a case for why they belong in your work day. I’ll first share why and how you should hold your very first 1:1 and explore how to hold recurring 1:1s. If you’re still not convinced, reach out. I’d love to understand more.
What’s the purpose of a one-on-one?
A 1:1 meeting (one-on-one? one-to-one?) is for coaching, alignment, and increasing mutual understanding. One-on-ones can take many shapes. Sometimes, it’s a helpline. Other times, it’s a vent session. One shape isn’t better than the other. After all, who’s to say an octagon is better than a dodecahedron?
A word to the wise: If you’re feeling indifferent about a one-on-one, then your direct report is either equally indifferent or dreading it. Having to force a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you is hell. But feeling stuck in having no choice but to force the relationship because they seem to hold all the power is a special kind of hell. So shape it with some satisfying arcs and edges. As an example of what to do (and what not to do), read about my experience with former managers.
So when should you have your first one-on-one with your direct report?
- The day you start managing the direct report.
- This week if you already have a direct report you’ve managed for weeks/months/years.
What are the goals for your first one-on-one with a direct report?
- Learning more about each other.
- Establishing norms and expectations.
- Understanding and setting forward-looking goals.
I’ll elaborate on each goal below before jumping into action steps.
Learning more about each other
No, you don’t have to be friends with your direct report. I repeat: you do not have to be friends with your direct report. But you need a good relationship with your direct report to be a good manager.
Learning more about each other includes getting to know someone’s work and life views. We aren’t that great at keeping our personas separated. So you need to have enough understanding so you have an insider’s look at each other’s instruction manuals. Otherwise, how are you going to know what you’re working towards?
As an introvert, I’ve found that a strategic order arrangement helps. It’s comically simple. Mine is as follows:
- Share something about myself first. Start with benign, surface-level information (e.g., your favorite cuisine).
- Ask your direct report about the same information you spilled (e.g., their favorite cuisine).
- Rinse and repeat with deeper, more nuanced information.
Why should you share first? Because you can help ease into the conversation by being vulnerable and open first. But beware: do not misconstrue this as an excuse to control the conversation flow. It’s about vulnerability and openness. Not control and ego. In fact, as you get to know one another, the order should become irrelevant. It’s like any other relationship: The more comfortable you are with each other, the more the conversations zig, zag, tiki, and taka. I pat myself on the back when I reach this level with my direct reports.
Here’s a conversation I had with my new direct report, loosely from my memory:
Yeji: “I recently started playing squash because I’m wildly out of shape. What do you do for fun?”
Laura: “I play Ultimate on the weekends and I like to play board games.”
Yeji: (Trying to suppress excitement at a shared hobby so I don’t come across too eager) “I am obsessed with board games. Tell me more. What’s your favorite?”
This topic went on for ages so I’ll do you a favor and omit the middle bits.
Yeji: “I would love to have a game night with the team! I wonder what else we could do together as a team. What helps you bond with people at work?”
Establishing norms and expectations
I’m cheating a little bit. One could argue that establishing norms and expectations is an extension of getting to know one another. I agree. But it’s too important not to call extra attention to it.
There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to read someone’s mind. Here is a quick exercise to help illustrate how difficult mind reading is.
Close your eyes for a few seconds and think of what a gunslinging, western outlaw would look like.
Without adding any details to the outlaw you’ve created in your head, answer the following questions.
- What’s their eye color?
- How many buttons are on their shirt?
- Which side is the holster on?
Chances are, you couldn’t answer all the questions. This mysterious outlaw only exists inside your head. You are its creator. And yet, here you are with unanswered questions. You’re having trouble with your mind’s eye even with a backstage pass. Other people don’t even have a ticket to the show.
What may be obvious to you may not be as obvious as you think. I thought everyone knew you could get a library card for free. I used to think buffalos actually had vestigial wings. Make things explicit.
Understanding and setting forward looking goals.
It’s never too late to have a mutual understanding of how to achieve something together. There’s a cascade of goals, all intertwined into a mess. Your job is to collaborate with your direct report and help make sense of this beautiful mess.
First, there’s the company goal. Most organizations have something, even if it’s not always a good goal. And by not good I mean Reese’s Puffs cereal: a saccharine, non-nutritional substance. Puff, fluff, faff. I’m not going to talk about the goodness of a company goal here (that’s a whole other subject). For now, I’m going to assume the company you chose to work for has a good goal. Clarify what this goal is with your direct report first.
Second, there’s the team goal. Your job is to help connect the dots between the company and the team goal(s). We all have parts we play in the jazz ensemble. What are we responsible for? Are we the percussion section that helps to keep the rhythm? Are we the woodwinds section that adds airy textures to the sound?
Third, there’s the individual goal. Another connection you’re responsible for. You need to articulate how your direct report’s role, goals, and achievements fit with those of the rest of the team and the company. Got a new bass clarinetist in the woodwinds section for your jazz ensemble? Great. Emphasize how the low, earthy notes they produce will juxtapose with the zesty, brassy notes to create a complex, contrasting vibe for the ensemble.
Finally, there’s the individual goal. Not a typo: I meant to repeat.
Recall that we’re all bad mind readers. My gunslinging outlaw from the previous exercise is a Chinese man who migrated to the U.S. during the gold rush, got swindled, and vowed to exact revenge on all who wronged him. The point is my outlaw is different from your outlaw.
Your direct report’s goals on what they want to achieve, what they hope their legacy will be, and how they’ll make an impact at the company will differ from your interpretation. That might even differ from the goals the company has for the individual. Your job is to help marry them all together. Steer your direct report towards the most optimal way of satisfying company, team, and individual goals in a way that works for the company, the team, and the individual.
Preparation for the first one-on-one
There’s a common saying that one-on-ones are times reserved for the employees. “It’s their time to share what they’ve got on their minds.” I agree, but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare. There’s another common saying in the U.S.—a wedding day is the bride’s special day. Imagine if your partner used this to get away from co-planning? Here, you dropped this: 🚩
To prepare:
First, write your agenda ahead of time. The agenda needs to include:
- A short description of its purpose;
- Bullet points of what will be covered;
- Goals and/or outcomes at the end of the meeting;
- Materials distributed ahead of time, if necessary; and
- Expectations on any pre-work to be done ahead of time, if necessary.
Second, make one-on-one notes a living, collaborative artifact. This allows for the relationship to grow with mutual effort–relationships strengthen through collaboration. It also makes it easy to see the progress of the growth, which is especially helpful when you have to recollect your thoughts while you write your performance review.
I’ve found success in keeping my one-on-one notes in software like Google Doc, Microsoft Word on Office 365 (so the link is shareable instead of exchanging updated attachments every time), Notion, or Coda.
Finally, share your questions ahead of time. This becomes especially useful if the questions merit more time for introspection. “Where do you want to be 5 years from now?” is pretty difficult to answer adequately when you’re on the spot.
First one-on-one template
For the very first one-on-one, I like to share a slide deck and a prepared agenda to kick things off. As Elle Woods once said, “I think it gives it a little something extra.”
- First one-on-one template on Google Doc.
- First one-on-one slide deck on Google Slide.
After the first one-on-one
Huzzah! With the first one-on-one under your belt, the next step is to keep going. I’ve found that more frequent check-ins are beneficial at the onset. Check with your direct report to see how they’re feeling and adjust the recurrence accordingly. I’ve found weekly or bi-weekly check-ins should suffice once people feel settled in.
Whether you’re holding your first or your hundredth one-on-one, the key to success is curiosity and openness: Share and care. Question and listen.